toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

Yes, and not any kind of cows, they were Salers cows 

But in the cows defense, we were the 7 years old idiots running around in THEIR field, and I think they had a lot of calves, so they were just protecting themselves against potential threats. We had it coming. Let me tell you, it’s not Fun to be chased by half a dozen of THESE…

…especially not when they are twice your size.

BUT LISTEN I’VE LIVED IN THE COUNTRYSIDE ALL MY LIFE, I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT. I ALMOST GOT MOWED DOWN BY A FORAGE HARVESTER, AT LEAST 3 TIMES THAT I CAN REMEMBER OF. THESE FUCKERS ARE SO BIG THEY BARELY FIT ON THE ROADS AND DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE BIKING IN FRONT OF THEM, THEY WILL NOT FUCKING STOP, THEIR DRIVERS ARE DEMONS WHO DELIGHTS IN LITTLE CHILDREN BIKING FOR THEIR LIFE. I FELL INTO A BUSH OF NETTLES 3 TIMES MY SIZE WHEN I WAS 2 YEARS OLD AND I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S MY FIRST, OLDEST MEMORY. OH AND HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN ROLLED OVER BY A HAYSTACK??? IT’S NOT FUN. I ALMOST GOT SHOT BY THE DRUNKARD OF THE VILLAGE BECAUSE MY BROTHER, SOME OTHER KIDS AND I WERE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK ON HIS LAND. GOING OUTSIDE ON A SUNDAY IS A DEATH SENTENCE BECAUSE THE HUNTERS ARE OUT AND CAN’T MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PHEASANT AND A TODDLER. THE TURKEYS OF THE FARM WE LIVED ON WERE THIRSTY FOR OUR BLOOD, AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THOSE BIG, WHITE ROOSTERS. SPAWNS OF SATAN, ALL OF THEM. I GOT CHASED BY A  COYPU BECAUSE THIS MOTHERFUCKER DIDN’T LIKE SHARING HIS RIVER WITH CHILDREN WHO JUST WANTED TO BUILD A TREEHOUSE ON A LITTLER RIVER-ISLAND IN THE WOODS. HORSES AND COWS ARE VERY NICE BUT THEY WILL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU LOOK AT THEM THE WRONG WAY. PIGS WILL EAT YOU ALIVE, THEY DON’T GIVE A SHIT. RABBITS WILL RUN IN FRONT OF YOUR CAR LIKE IT’S A GAME OF WHO WILL KILL WHO FIRST. FOXES HAVE ENTERED MY HOUSE THROUGH THE CAT FLAP AND PEED ON MY COUCH. MULTIPLE TIMES. THERE WAS A TREND OF GETTING PEACOCKS AMONG ALL FRENCH FARMERS AT ONE POINT, WHICH WAS ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL THE FUCKERS DECIDED TO PERCH ON YOUR WINDOW AND SCREAM AT 4AM. THE NEIGHBOR’S DOG ALMOST BIT MY HEAD OFF AND MY OWN DOG JUMPED ON HIM JUST IN TIME AND SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE. RAT INVASIONS IN THE HOUSE ALMOST EVERY YEAR. HORNETS AND WASPS WILL MAKE NESTS IN THE WALLS OF YOUR BEDROOM AND THEN GET MAD AT YOU FOR BREATHING TOO HARD. WHEN I WAS VERY LITTLE I TRIED TO PUT MY RAIN-BOOT ON BUT MY FOOT WOULDN’T FIT BECAUSE SOMETHING WAS OBSTRUCTING IT, SO I FLIPPED IT OVER AND A WHOLE FUCKING RED-ANTS COLONY FELL OFF. ANTS ALSO LOVED MY BEDROOM, SO SOMETIMES I’D WAKE UP TO ENTIRE COLONIES CRAWLING ON MY BED AND ALL OVER THE FLOOR. I’VE HAD AN ANT-PHOBIA EVER SINCE. MY VILLAGE IS ALSO NEAR TO THE SEA AND EVERY NOW AND THEN WHEN THERE IS A BIG TIDE, THE RIVER WOULD FLOOD THE WHOLE FUCKING THING AND NOBODY WOULD GIVE A SHIT. ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS DOESN’T KNOW THE CONCEPT OF TRASHCANS AND RECYCLE BINS SO SHE JUST STRAIGHT UP BURNS HER FUCKING TRASH IN A DITCH EVERY COUPLE OF MONTHS. SHE MIGHT AS WELL BE FLIPPING OFF THE PLANET, AND US, WHILE SHE’S DOING IT. ASSUME EVERYONE DRIVING A TRACTOR IS DRUNK AND STEAR CLEAR OF THEIR WAY. THE COUNTRYSIDE IS LAWLESS, EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU. But hey, I was best friend with a little hen once and she would hop on my lap whenever I was in my swing so she could swing with me, so all-in-all, the countryside is okay.

case in point